Saturday, December 16, 2006

Back from Outer Space

Yes, I've been a bad, bad blogger. If it's any consolation, you haven't missed much. Here's the sitch:

-I still haven't slept with The Puppy. What happened? I'll tell you: The Girlfriend returned. As in, to his/their apartment. She's moving out Jan. 1, but in the meantime, when you combine that drama with the crazy end of his semester, he basically requested a time out from whatever was developing with us. Which I very reluctantly granted. Of course there's lots more to the story, which hopefully I'll get to in subsequent posts, but those are the basic facts. Oh, and also I'm still completely obsessed with him, perhaps more so than ever. Pathetic but true.

-The personals have pretty much dried up entirely. I decided to let Cute Guy fade away because of the aforementioned raging case of Boringitis. Just last week, in the throes of my Pupsession, I emailed someone new who looked, well, OK. He looked OK. There was nothing off-putting about him and he might have been interesting or cute but I couldn't tell yet. Anyhow, I thought emailing someone new would be just the thing for my Pupsession. But he never wrote back. This symbolizes something greater about my life right now.

-Meanwhile, all of my exes are returning to haunt me. I had a very explicit sex dream about a college boyfriend the other night, so naturally, I googled him -- he's a doctor in a teaching hospital in North Carolina. There's a picture of him on their website in his white coat, looking decidedly middle-aged. Ack.

So, on a roll, I googled a high school boyfriend, who for a long long time after we broke up I imagined was the love of my life. We're in touch once every couple of years, but not really. He's been married for ages to his college girlfriend (the only woman he slept with besides me, I think -- and it didn't happen in the order you might think, but that's a story for another day). Google turns up an embryonic myspace page for him -- he obviously registered and then didn't set it up. BUT -- he's listed as single! Could it be true? Could it be a sign from the universe? Could it be he's The One after all? Even though I no longer believe in The One or any of those bullshit patriarchal romantic constructs?

I send him a vague little email. A week later he responds, so pleased to hear from me and tell me about the condo he & his lovely wife just bought, and how they're going to start trying for kids soon.

You'd think that would be the end of it with the exes (as did I), but then just this morning I'm on the phone with my folks & my stepdad tells me how I'll never believe who he just heard from! On a business call! And I don't! Because it's my other high school boyfriend, the one I lost my virginity to at the ripe old age of 15. The one who taught me what my clitoris was and what it could do. The one I got caught with fooling around in my house, who came to my school to pick me up when my parents forbade me to see him. The one who once told me that if he ever found out I was faking orgasms with him, he'd rip out my ovaries and shove them up my nose.

OK, that last one was not so great, esp. since I was, in fact, faking it with him, because I hadn't figured out how to have an orgasm yet. But at least he was a teenage boy who cared whether or not I came.

Anyhow, I am being visited by the Ghosts of Boyfriends Past. Is there a reward if I figure out what the lesson is here?

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