Saturday, January 20, 2007

Please Smack Me...

...the next time you hear me worrying about whether I'm good enough for someone.

Date Report!

The first thing I'll say is that, sadly, that exclamation point is an overstatement.

The second thing I'll say is that I'm unclear on the laws governing blog content, but I suspect you must be 18 or over to read this post.

Um, yeah. We pretty much got down to it as soon as I arrived, making out in the living room and then, as things heated up, deciding to postpone dinner and adjourn to the bedroom. Where he sits on the bed and says, "I have to tell you something first. I have herpes."

[insert sound of screeching brakes]

Many props to him for telling me upfront. Good sign in the honesty & communication department. He patiently answers all my questions: He got it from his ex-fiance, is taking medication for it, rarely has "outbreaks" and has no symptoms right now. Still, it is possible to transmit it skin-to-skin even without symptoms, though that risk is minimized by the meds. [How much? I don't know. Does anyone know?]

Properly juiced on hormones & anticipation, I decide to take my chances, but not before taking the opportunity to drop my own little infobomb about my dyketastic sexual history, which he is so completely fine about. Asks me a few questions, listens to what I say, and then, midsentence, just as I start to descend into insecurity about how it might all sound, he jumps my bones.

And that's when it all went downhill.

Now, he did not lack enthusiasm, nor was he selfish. He was just... in a really big hurry, I think. He paid only the most rudimentary attention to my breasts (which I'm just going to say is not something that happens to me that often), and then went down on me with great energy but not nearly as much skill. He also used his hand some. He did not seem familiar with Spider Man. Don't get me wrong -- it was hot, but it was sort of all over the place, like he was just manically trying a bunch of things instead of taking his time to see what I liked best.

After a few minutes he came up for air and then I wrangled his jeans off him to reveal, I kid you not, the most beautiful penis I have ever seen. In fact, until I saw his penis, I didn't know that they could be differentially beautiful. It's definitely on the large size, and just the perfect ration of length to girth -- the Platonic Ideal of a penis, curving up regally in the most graceful arc and sporting a very masculine cowl at the top (my very first encounter with an uncircumcised cock). It was also an astonishingly beautiful color, the redness of the erection glowing through his coffee-brown skin like the embers of a fire. (Am I embarrassing myself here?)

I immediately put my mouth on it, remembering all your fantastic advice: taking my time, special attention to the underside, hands roaming, exploring with my lips and tongue as though it was the most mouthwatering delicacy. (It was.) He made some fantastic noises, which for me is the best part. Honestly, I have to say I think I was pretty damn good at it, and it was definitely the highlight of our sexual encounter for me. So thanks for all the tips and encouragement!

After a few minutes he just couldn't wait anymore (and I was eager enough, too) so he got a condom (again, points to him) and climbed on. (Actually, he tried at first to maneuver me into a face to face kneeling/sitting up position, but he was so much taller than me that I couldn't find my balance and kept falling over.) He started off slow, more grinding than thrusting, which is not what I prefer, especially now that I can get off with PIV intercourse (see comments section here). But I figured he was just getting started, so I didn't say anything - it sure felt good, and I was in no hurry. And then he came.

After some awkward silence he apologized and confessed that it had been a really long time for him (which surprised the hell out of me). He started pretty immediately kissing my face and touching his hands all over me, clearly intent on making sure I got some more attention, but I stopped him because I had just had enough of the manic pace and wanted us to catch our breath. We talked about why it had been so long (he thinks American women just don't get him) and some other stuff, and then we started kissing again but by then we were getting hungry and decide to put a bookmark in it and go for dinner.

The rest of the date was fine, though not mindblowing. Dinner was fabulous and as last time, we couldn't stop talking about culture and food and politics and our jobs and he told me some about his family. There were even some goofy moments that could be categorized as sweet and dorky. Then we picked up a movie and went back to his house to watch it. Unfortunately, the movie we picked was too serious for making out, though there was some nice cuddling on the couch and handholding (the kind where your fingers are lazily active), and at one point during the film he spontaneously gave me a really great head massage.

On the flip side, I noticed a couple of things that have really been bugging me:

1) When I asked him what he would do with his life if money were no object, he said he would basically be like the main character in About a Boy. In other words, he'd read, watch movies, hang out, do nothing in particular. Not exactly inspiring or deep, and as much as I regret saying this, I think it's a dealbreaker when it comes to getting involved with him in any long-term way.

2) He doesn't really complement me. It's not like I need to hear a steady stream of how great I am, but aren't you supposed to tell someone you're trying to seduce that she's beautiful or a great kisser or fascinating or something along the way? I can't remember him saying anything like that to me, even once. I realized it when we were having the conversation about why he hasn't been dating in the U.S. and I was going on about what a catch he was, handsome and smart and worldly and suave. From him: crickets.

By the end of the film it was late and we were both yawning tired. He asked me if I wanted to stay over but I just opted to go home and sleep. We left it in the "we should do this again sometime" place.

Basically, the date was far from a disaster, but coming on the heels of Date #1, it was a serious letdown and pretty confusing. It comes down to this:

1) I don't want herpes.
2) I don't think we're well matched for the long term.

If either one of those two things were not a factor, I'd be unequivocally wanting to see him again. I'm pretty sure we can learn to have much better sex with a little practice and communication, and we have a really nice time together generally. He's a nice guy, hot (I'm sorry, did I mention that he is built like a GREEK GOD?), and still pretty fascinating. Plus, he's the opposite of clingy.

But what's the risk of me getting The Herp from him? I need to know. Because sadly, he's just not worth me getting a lifelong disease that is going to seriously complicate my sex life and force me to take a pharmaceutical drug every day forever. Anyone know what "low" risk means? 1%? 25%? Anyone?

And why can't I find someone I can just DATE for a little while? This is the third person I've slept with since the end of my relationship last May, and, if I decide the risk of herpes is greater than my desire to see him again, I'll have slept with each of those three people exactly ONCE. Is it really that hard to meet someone I can get to a third date with?


Ciera said...

After being nudged towards this blog by, it quickly became a guilty pleasure. Amid all sorts of things related to school and 9 year olds, I'm apparently living vicariously through you, ladyred. Thank you!
In regards to the herpes thing, I always thought it was sort of like cold sores. I get cold sores, but don't pass them on to every boy I've ever kissed - being that I don't HAVE an outbreak when I kiss them. This is sort of not true, and I'm not gonna get into the nitty gritty because I'm clearly not a medical expert.
Though I will pass on this website that I found:
Peruse at your leisure.

Finally, my two bits on The Charmer is that if you aren't super excited about it now, you may not be super excited about it later. Then again, I'm 22 and naive.

Thanks again for providing a guilty pleasure in between marking exams and planning science lessons!

All the best!

addedreality said...

First off, thanks for you blog! It's been a fun read, as well as thought provoking.

I just want to point out: how do you know that the other people that you have slept with don't have herpes? They could have easily not told you.

I don't know what transmission is like when you are taking medication, but I managed to give my girlfriend herpes after about 4 months of safer sex. It sucked, especially since we tried to be super careful.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

mad props to you for cutting it off while for its mediocrity and not waiting for a total problem or hanging in to just see. which i think too may people do. the absense of a problem does not = sparks. which i think should be present.

Sarah said...

About the herpes, I remember reading that actually 25% of American adults have herpes. So it's quite likely that you have been exposed to it before.

But it sounds like The Charmer may be a no-go, anyway. Any chance of friendship?

Anonymous said...

i had a herpes scare a couple of months ago. it was, um, really scary. anyhoo, from what i understood, partners over the course of one year that had sex reguarly (one partner w/, one w/out) transmitted at 6%. if they used condoms, that goes to 3%. valtrex halves that again with 1.5%. however male to female transmission is more likely than female to male.

another (i know!) thing to worry about is oral herpes... especially since oral herpes can easily become genital herpes (you can even infect yourself...just think about the combos). so if you, or the charmer, or whoever have a coldsore, no oral, or use dental dams, condoms.

and while you've probably been exposed already b/c a huge proportion of americans (way more than 25) have some form of herpes, that by no means means you should not do your most not to knowledgebly expose yourself.

ladyred said...

Thanks for the HerpFo, everyone. I'm mulling it over. I do think it's an excellent point to consider, that I'm risking exposure anytime I get naked with someone, esp. b/c lots of people have it and don't even know about it. So the only difference here is that I know. And that he's medicating, which actually reduces risk.

Strangely, as I get a little distance I'm finding I kinda do want to see him again. Partially, I feel like the two dates were so different I'd like to find out which parts were flukey and which parts weren't. But also, he's hot and nice and interesting -- and I've got nothing else going on at the moment. Why not see him a little here and there?

Sam said...

Hi. I'm yet another fan who wandered over here from feministing and quickly became hooked. I had a Charmer in my life several months ago and our first two dates went down almost exactly like yours did, great chemistry, godlike penis, a slightly out of practice Charmer who forgot to compliment all. I gave my Charmer the benefit of the doubt about forgetting to lay on the compliments, but I wish I hadn't. It was a sign of things to come. Plus, saying something nice about the person you're about to do is common courtesy, isn't it? Even if you're just in it for the chemistry and the perfect penis, why bother seeing him again if he doesn't adore you?

ruby said...

i think it's a good call to see him again. you don't have to get all genital if the herp risk feels too high (thought i admit that communication around that might be tricky). there's enough that's compelling about him (not just the good kissing and the greek god physique and the gorgeous cock but the lively conversation and interesting political discussions) to make a third date well worth your time.

on the compliments issue, i think the benefit of the doubt is in order. i have been in some situations lately where i have wondered if i am not complimenting enough. and believe me, it has *nothing* to do with how exciting i find the person in question. but i haven't wanted him to think i'm just automatically complimenting back when he says something nice. then there's also nervousness, overthinking, etc. basically, i would hate for this guy to think i am anything less than crazy excited about him because i haven't said "you look hot today, too."

i'm not saying that no compliments *ever* is ok--just that he should be given more of a chance, and also that lack of direct verbal compliments doesn't mean that he has no complimetary opinions.

Jennifer said...

Yes, but, I'm thinking that at the very least how can someone gain the title of "The Charmer" if he doesn't compliment you? What did you find so charming to warrent the nickname? I recommend visiting those earliest impressions to see if they still hold true (positive or negative) and proceed accordingly. Things are not adding up with this guy.

Anonymous said...

I'd forgotten this before, but for the future you want to be aware that genital herpes can be transmitted via oral sex (from him to you) if you don't use a condom or dental dam. And it is not as innocuous as its cousin, the cold sore (also a herpes virus).