Friday, January 05, 2007

Where the Boys Are (The Friday List)

So The Charmer finally called yesterday, and I must say he was kinda adorable, rambling to my voicemail about how sorry he is it's taken so long and he's been sick and we could do coffee or drinks or how about this film fest tomorrow night if I'm free and generally being transparently nervous and interested and lovely. And then texting me two minutes later because he forgot to ask for my email so he could send me the film fest info.

I called him back later in the day (he called while I was swamped at work, not sure what he does during the day), and got HIS voicemail, and told him the film fest sounded great but I was busy tomorrow night (which is now tonight) and drinks next week might be the best option for me. Which is all to say that it's looking increasingly likely that we may actually have a date-like encounter. Which is further to say that now I am really starting to worry.

If we do manage to meet, and I'm not reading the tea-leaves completely wrong, it'll be my first date since college with a "bio" guy I didn't meet through the personals. I'm not splitting hairs here in order to create another "first" -- the personals, while often hateful, have some real advantages for a girl like me. By the time I actually meet someone in the flesh, they already know I'm an opinionated feminist progressive whose exes have vaginas. And I know how they've reacted to that information.

Instead, The Charmer and I will have to tiptoe through that territory tete-a-tete, and that has the potential of going wrong seventeen different ways at least. And before you point out that he's the friend of my friend and therefore can't be that far off, let me remind you that I don't really even know the friend at whose party we met very well. She's more of an acquaintance I'm starting to become friendlier with.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled he called and I'm up for the adventure. But that doesn't mean it doesn't make me want to throw up a little bit, too.

In honor of this tiny drama, I hereby proclaim today's Friday List: The Best Ways To Meet Feminist or Feminist-Friendly Men Who Are Available and Appealing for Dating. Spill it, everyone! Enquiring minds want to know. I want to know.

15 comments:

Roy said...

Re: The Best Ways To Meet Feminist or Feminist-Friendly Men Who Are Available and Appealing for Dating.

You know, as a feminist and feminist-friendly man (who happens to be available and, I think, appealing for dating), I ought to know this.
Sadly, I'm at a loss.

I've discovered that it's actually pretty difficult for me to meet women now that I'm in my mid/late twenties. I used to meet people in classes- but graduating/not going to grad school has certainly made that inconvenient. The other way that I used to meet new people was through friends, but that doesn't seem to be working lately. As we've gotten older, I think we've stopped expanding our circle of friends as much. Perhaps that's something we need to work on. Hmmm.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing what other people have to say, now. I want to know, too. Heh.

Karen said...

I don't think there's any surefire way to find a feminist man. Hanging out at the "right" kind of places just leaves you sad at the fact that there are misogynist hipster cuties. And, conversely, you could wade through a lot of crap finding the one feminist lumberjack (they do exist) at the county fair. Sad to admit, but I think I'm with LadyRed. I met my feminist man online -- Friendster, of all places! Good luck to all searching for someone. It's not terribly fun at times but it's worth it and it WILL happen if you want it to.

Anonymous said...

Pretty much what Roy said; if I knew the right places, I'd be there looking for women who are friendly towards feminist-friendly men (which i think I am).

Even if I don't find out, I really enjoy this blog.

ruby said...

this is a rich topic for me, because in spite of the fact that i live my life as a very out and visible feminist (my job is feminist-related and, not to toot my own horn or anything, but it has made me something of a sublebrity in certain circles), i do not generally find myself deluged with feminist suitors of any gender. (though i am sometimes tempted to annouce my dating-availability from the podium after a speaking gig, i've never done it...)

you'd think that feminist and other progressive political events would be a good place to meet people, but alas i've never found that to be true.

and i am *so* with karen about the misogynist (or, more commonly in my experience, simply apolitical or clueless) hipster cuties.

so i like the personals for this for the same reasons ladyred does--it makes certain disclosures and weeding easier. it's also easier for me to flirt with and meet people online; i've never been good at the in-person approach.

and, interestingly, i have recently met a man with more of a feminist identification of perhaps anyone i've ever dated. and it was pretty random: i placed a casual personal ad, looking for company to a specific movie on a specific day, that happened to mention that respondents should enjoy cynical feminists and the entertainment stylings of joss whedon, among other things. i was not specifying a feminist man, nor was i expecting that this particular ad would lead me to someone that i have really a lot in common with. it was more of a lark than a search.

another thing to try, though it's very women's-mag-advice-y, is to let all your feminist friends know you're looking to be set up with feminist and feminist-friendly men. ladyred, you mentioned a bit ago that you already have two setups in the works this year. so that's gotta be a good source, yes?

jeff said...

I dunno, I always expect to get hit on at an ani difranco concert or something, but it doesn't tend to happen.

I think the misogynist hipster cuties thing is a definite problem; one woman I met recently told me her last lover had been a self-proclaimed feminist who was, of course, the biggest misogynist she had ever dated.

I think one reason feminst events may not be great places for feminst men and women to hook up in various ways may have something to do with (one would hope) the fact that feminist men tend to recognize that usually one is there for other reasons, and treating it like some sort of meat market goes against the spirit of things.

ruby said...

it's things like what jeff points out that make me want to institute some kind of hanky code for when we *do* want to be hit on at political events. 'cause i so appreciate a man who doesn't want to treat a social justice fundraiser like a singles bar. but at the same time, i also want to meet men who go to social justice events.

one possible solution would just be that women should always do the approaching in these situations. but i'm not happy with that absolutes on that, either. or, well, i *would* be, if we had that hanky code.

ladyred said...

Well, one of my two setups has already disintegrated when I mentioned it to another friend of mine who, it turned out, had already dated the guy and he had been pretty psycho with her. Close call. Be nice to your girlfriends, they have info.

I'm so glad the feminist men are here, though it sounds like y'all are more lost than us gals. Are you trying online? Because we seem to be...

Ruby, PLEASE institute the Feminist Hookup Hanky Code! Do you have all the color and pattern and pocket meanings already worked out, or should we develop them as next Friday's list? Once we've got the system, we just need to get the word out to feminist daters out there -- and what better way than through feminist blogs? I'm sure Feministing will help us get the ball rolling, and from there it's sure to catch on like wildfire...

Donna Darko said...

the one feminist lumberjack

I want this guy.

ruby said...

ladyred, i would love it if that were next friday's list! i promise to collect all the ideas, edit them into a coherent list, and post it at the end of the thread, as well as conduct a little promo campaign to get it publicized and widely adopted!!

ladyred said...

oh, donna darko. Yes. The Brawny Sensitive Guy. If only he weren't a unicorn. Or the male version of the Hooker With a Heart of Gold.

Anonymous said...

feminist men meeting: hmmmmmmm. cafes & public transport---check what he's reading, yo. or display yr copy of "bitch" on the cafe table as conversation starting. tho, the non-feminist men jokes might get cha.

Roy said...

You know, I tried the online dating a couple times, and I confess that I got discouraged rather quickly. I looked at a couple of dating sites- but the emphasis seems to fall to either end of the spectrum. Either, the site clearly thinks it's going to find you your Soul Mate, or it's people looking for a random hook-up. I'm looking for something in the middle- I like going on dates. I don't want to go into it thinking that we need to push right towards marriage, but, ideally, I'm looking for more than one night. Something between E-Harmony and Craig's List.
I know I shouldn't get discouraged- I know several people who've met wonderful men/women online. Perhaps I'm just trying the wrong sites?

ladyred said...

Roy, I and some of my friends have had luck on OKCupid, which has the advantage of being free free free, and in the SpringStreet/FastCupid network, which you can get into by signing up via Nerve, The Onion, Bust, ActForLove, and other left-leaning spots...

Roy said...

Hmm. I'll have to give them a look.
I love the Bust and the Onion.
Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I've had so little success convincing anyone online to go out with me, I won't even look at pay-to-play sites any more. I think part of the problem might be that some of my attributes (such as being 5'2") that I can overcome when I meet someone in person look a lot less appealing as a cold fact on the computer screen (in one case I know for a fact my height was the dealbreaker).